Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Pain Charts

You know these pain charts?

Allie, of Hyperbole and a Half describes it as such:

0:  Haha!  I'm not wearing any pants!

 Awesome!  Someone just offered me a free hot dog!

 Huh.  I never knew that about giraffes.

 I'm sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now?  I'm bored.

  The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it.  This is not what I expected and I am disappointed.

  You hurt my feelings and now I'm crying! 

After taking her Craisin vomiting boyfriend to the ER she created one that was a tad more accurate:

0:  Hi.  I am not experiencing any pain at all.  I don't know why I'm even here.

1:  I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.

2:  I probably just need a Band Aid.

3:  This is distressing.  I don't want this to be happening to me at all.

4:  My pain is not fucking around.

Why is this happening to me??

Ow.  Okay, my pain is super legit now.

7:  I see Jesus coming for me and I'm scared.   

 I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain.  I might actually be dying.  Please help.

  I am almost definitely dying.

 I am actively being mauled by a bear.

 Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.

Too Serious For Numbers: 
 You probably have ebola.  It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye. 

Much more accurate. Next time I need to go to the ER (which hopefully won't be for a while) I'm bringing Allie's.

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